A Funny Thing Happened On The Road To Aunty Spinster's.

So I'm sure I might have mentioned that I'm looking for a roommate? Maybe once, or twice, or eleventy billion times.... Well, you know when you're forced in one way that is totally against the way you want for yourself, forced so forcefully that the pressure builds up until--finally--there is this little internal *plink* and something inside you snaps clean in two? Well, it's happened to me about 4 times in the last two months, but the most recent little snap was caused by what happened last night.

It's a really long and funny story, but you know, really long so I'll cut to the heart of it. My actual Landlord brought people over last night to look at the house. This is a change from my roommate search, as this time it required that all persons in said group would parade themselves through All The Rooms in the house. All. The. Rooms. Including my bedroom, which up till this point had been out of jurisdiction, so to speak.

So yeah, I didn't bother to clean it. It never occurred to me that I would need to. And I'm actually kinda glad I didn't. Because while they were in there opening my closet and doing laps around the room, my unmentionables were strewn across the bed in the exact position that I had left them that morning. And I'm not talkin' 'bout the pretty "for company" unmentionables. I can take the smallest amount of pleasure knowing as uncomfortable as I was for them to BE in my ROOM, I'm sure at least one of them was uncomfortable BEING in there.

As they were discussing the relative smallness of the closet, I can only imagine one of them thinking, "Jesus, well we know why the Bra is on the Queen-sized bed, it wouldn't fit in that tiny closet."

Practice

I never ever ever thought I would think this of you, but there it is: I hate you. You know who you are and you know what you did. I know you don't think that what you did was that bad, but it really was. It was that bad and worse. You made a complete fool out of me.

I knew you could be ambivalent, but now I know that you believe your actions have no consequences. So here's the consequence of what you did: I am not your friend. And you lost any future friendship we might have had. And it's really a shame, because I was your biggest advocate, I had your back, I believed you were a decent human being. Fuck you, for proving me wrong.

Ok, now that I've practiced, I might actually work up the nerve to tell you this in person.

Run Away, Bunny

When I was in 5th grade, two of my best friends and I started planning to run away. And by plan I mean we Planned. I had a notebook completely devoted to the idea. We would call each other every night, making lists.

Oh, the Lists! We were going to start squirreling away supplies, a little at a time so nothing would be missed. We had a route mapped so that we would still be able to go to school. Because school was very important, and our parents would be Very Mad if we missed any school. But it never occurred to us that we might be missed. That anybody would notice that we were gone.

Nearly everyone I know has thought about running away, and it's funny that this idea didn't occur to me until I was 10 rather than 5. And I'm sure it had everything to do with growing up, and not wanting to.

And then Junior High happened. We were all so shell shocked by the transition, and determined to Be More Mature, that we put away all those silly little elementary school ideas. And so The Notebook was put on a shelf in the back of the closet.

And now I'm 30, and that notebook is pulling at me something fierce. Because I have to be an adult, and I really don't want to.

When my roommate told me he needed to move out to help a good friend of his get back on her feet, it stressed me out. But I had No Idea how that stress would turn into Stress, would turn into STRESS, would turn into S-T-R-E-S-S. Would cause my hands to twitch so badly that I had to start a knitting project in order to protect the kitties from being rubbed so much they turned into those weird hairless cats. Or that not being able to say what I really really needed to say to the one person I needed to say it to, caused the exasperation to leave my body with such force, causing the magnetic poles to shift, resulting in the Universe spinning off it's axis, and we all fell over dead.

So yeah, blame me. I'm the reason we have to move to Mars. You know, after we're done being dead.

Aunty Spinster's Home For The Wayward, Part 1

I'm working on a new project. It's a sweater. But that's not the part that's important. What is important is that I'm at something of a crossroads. I guess you could say this all started one very normal-seeming night on August 3oth.

My roommate was getting home from a three-day trip to Colorado, during which he lost his keys. As it was 2 am he didn't want to wake me to unlock the door for him, and instead decided to break into the house through the kitchen window. Yeah, guess what? Noise coming from the kitchen at 2 am, when I knew I was the only one home? Totally woke me up. Anywho, after I called out and he announced his presence, I feel right back to sleep. Then it was morning and I got up to feed the cats.

Only Booger didn't come running to the sound of food tinkling into the food dish. Which I thought was a bit odd. But as my roommate's new girlfriend had slept over, I thought Booger was just weirded out by the strange person in the house. It was only after the two of them left for the day, and Booger still hadn't shown up, that I realized something was Terribly Wrong.

I'll just fast-forward a bit here, as it basically involves me Losing My Shit. And by that I mean freaking out, walking the neighborhood in my pajamas knocking on neighbors doors without a bra on, and then standing in middle of my living room crying and leaving repeated messages on peoples' cell phones (people I KNEW were at work, but at the time it made no difference).

I did manage to go to work, but I begged and threatened to go home early. Seeing as I was totally irrational and barely functioning, they let me. So I pull into my driveway, and see that the bowl of food I had left outside had not been touched. At all. And the tiny little scrap of control that I actually managed to hold onto all day was just gone.

There I am, standing in my driveway at 10 o'clock at night (hmmm, sound familiar ?), crying, and I say out loud, "You're never coming back, are you?"

And then...

...I hear...

a "mrwow"

That's what Booger says, "mrwow." Not "meow." Not anything close, just "mrwow"

ZOMFG! He had actually come home! And he came slinking out to me, and was all, "Sweet Baby Je'asus, Woman! Where in the He'all have you been!?" Get me back in that house!" Yes...just like that, in a Southern Accent.

And all was right in my world again.....At least until my roommate came home and told me he was moving out 6 months shy of the expiration of our lease.

To be Continued...

I Want A Refund

So, you know how things happen and time passes and you think, "I'll get to it later, too much going on right now." Yeah, well that's been this blog.

And I've started many posts, thinking that I'd get back to finish them and let you (all three of you) know what's been going on. Only something else would come up. Or something even more ridiculous would happen, and I'd think, "THIS is what I need to write about. THIS is way more interesting than THAT thing." But what it all really boils down to is this:

Dear Life,

You are stupid and mean, and I would like a refund for the last two months.

That is all, thank you,
Toots

With that said, here it goes....I'm going to hit on some of the "High Points" of the last two months. Please be prepared, it's going to get a bit bumpy.

Blah To The Blah

Today, I broke a plate. It was a leaf-shaped vintage plate. Today has been an annoyance since I woke up. Maybe even before I fell asleep.

I don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer, it's just that nearly the entire month of September sucked. And October started great, but I seem to have hit a snag.

My roommate decided to move out to help out a good friend of his, and he chose to break his lease. But really, it's me that had to deal with finding a new roommate. And I found one about three weeks ago, and now I have a slight tinge of nerves that he might not move in. Which blows seven ways to Sunday, 'cause he was the only person to see the house that seemed normal. So, please think good things for me that this guy moves in, it would be best for all involved.

The Blog That Time Forgot

Wow. Sometimes Life happens to ya, and it smacks ya right on your ass.

I got tagged.

Booger went missing. Booger came home!

My roommate is moving out.

Spent some time with Buckie, saw his first smiles.

Had first Auntie-and-Pickle Day.

New roommate moving in. After I clean the house top to bottom to remove all traces of the former (douche-bag) roommate.

And the Spiders! Oh God, THE SPIDERS!

All this and more to come....